Passion Deranged…

Ok, so some may call me a little crazy, or possibly a hopeless romantic. There was someone that I cared a lot about, some may argue that at 16 you can’t love, but damn it, I loved him. There were circumstances that lead up to me not being able to have children and it left me with a lot to think about, so needing time to reflect on what my plans would be, my sweetie and I broke up.

I’ve regretted that moved since the day I did it, but he started dating and that was that. We still kept in touch and talked a lot, still being really close friends. We’d talk shop (we’re both car fanatics) and reminisce. I’d since moved out of the province, but last summer I came back to visit. We ended up hooking up for a beer and that’s where everything took a turn for the crazy. We went for a walk up to a pedestrian over-pass over train tracks that we used to frequent when we were younger. It all started with a story-book kiss in the rain at a place we found took us back to the past. It continued to making love in my hotel room. We were both attached to someone, so the after-sex guilt was expected.

We both felt horribly bad, so he gave me a kiss and left. I sat on the patio crying in the rain for a couple of hours as I felt the heartbreak all over again. It’s only when he’s around that I get like that. When my current significant other and I have a falling out, I don’t get like that. It’s like my former sweetie holds my heart and he’s the only one that can evoke these deep emotions.

When I returned home, I thought it was only fair to confess that I still had feelings for him. So then came the emotional email. He keep his cool and said that he wasn’t going to rule anything out in the future, but he’d been with his current girlfriend for several years, so we’d just keep it as friends for now.

Well, I just got back into the town I grew up in, and we met up to hang out. He’s had a really nice truck for a couple of years now that I’d heard everything about, but had yet to see. He picked me up with it and we drove out to Stanley Park. We ended up happily driving around and getting completely lost for about 3 hours. We finally got back to an area we knew and decided to go to our old sushi place for dinner. Always the perfect gentleman, he paid for dinner and we laughed about old times, talked about current problems, and discussed recent revelations we’d both had.

I don’t know what to do. I value him as a friend, but I love him endlessly so keeping it as just friends hurts like nothing I’ve ever encountered. All I could think about while we drove around completely unaware that we were hopelessly lost was how badly I wanted to feel his arms around me. All I could think about during dinner was how lucky his girlfriend truly was. I’m lost as to what to do. My heart is telling me to go after everything I want, to fight until the end for it, but my common sense is telling me to be happy for him and not to damage a perfectly good thing.

It’s passion deranged in every sense of the phrase. Our relationship is beyond complicated, and it just makes me want to cry.

The Right To Love

I sit here, after browsing through random blogs, and cannot for the life of me think of a title for this entry that will not cause all sorts of problematic situations. I’m a passionate person by nature, and tend to speak before weighing the consequences of my words. Not this time. This time I choose to try and be diplomatic on one of the subjects that I’m most passionate about. Same-sex marriage. I myself am proudly bi-sexual, did a presentation in 12th grade regarding same-sex marriage and am a big supporter of the recent accomplishments in the state of California. I’m not even American.

While browsing blogs, I came across one regarding this recent development. I also came across several points that made me quite angry. Most of them referring to the Christian faith and it’s view on the topic at hand. I have no problems with people having their own beliefs. I encourage it. However some Christian people seem to believe that everyone must adhere to their beliefs and nothing else. I have news for you: no we don’t. I was raised Catholic, even baptized my first Christmas.

After realizing some of the very unethical (by my standards anyways) views of the Church, I no longer decided to follow the faith. I am now quite happily Pagan. I know what some people think about that, and that is a rant for another time.

I get very frusterated and angry with people that say homosexuality is a choice, and that marriage is between 1 man and 1 woman as stated by scripture. Christianity may be old, and some people hold dearly to the old teachings, but when it comes to love, and certainly when it comes to the legal system, religion has no place to dictate. Be it Christianity, Buddhism, Paganism, Jewish or any other religion.

A lot of people see marriage as a solely religious endevour, but how many people decide to marry by a Justice of the Peace rather than a religious figure? I am by no means saying that marriage is required to prove love, but it is a commitment made by two people who care deeply about one another. Because a man loves a man or a woman loves a woman, does this make them any less capable of the emotion? Most certainly not. Love is not ruled by gender. It’s ruled by the connection two people share. By the emotion between them.

So I ask you, should we forbid those people to love? Because that has always been my impression on the situation. The same thing that makes a woman love a man can make her love a woman.

Many arguments state that homosexuality is a choice that people make, well I hate to point out the obvious, but if that is the case, then so is heterosexuality. They are both a preference. If homosexuality isn’t coded in the genes, then neither is heterosexuality. They are both a choice that is made based strictly off preference.

All of this ranting and I am still unable to come up with a diplomatic title for this entry. Will you deny people the joy of love while you enjoy it simply because they do not have the same preference or beliefs as you? Well, that reminds me of a quote: “love of one’s own good perverted to a desire to deprive other men of theirs.” This is also known as Dante’s definition of Envy. A cardinal sin my friends, so what does that say about you? The very contradictions that come later astound me. And here I will end my rant with these words: No one has the right to deny anyone else the feeling of love, for to do so is cruel, and unforgiving. Are those not sins as well?

Keycon ’08 Silver Anniversary

Well, today was the final day of Keycon, Winnipeg’s annual SF&F convention. I was recruited by one of the co-chairs early this year, who I happened to work with. I will forever be in his debit. This was my first con and not only did I learn so much, but I was also a part of it’s success. Granted it was just a small part, I was a guest liaison for one of the author’s attending the con.

However for me, this was not just any guest. She’s a Canadian science fiction and fantasy author with many successful novels & short stories under her belt as well as an acclaimed, albeit short-lived, television adaptation of her successful Victoria Nelson series. Yes, I’m talking about none other than the incredible Tanya Huff. I’ve been reading her work for years, and she’s been one of my top three authors for nearly as long as I’ve been reading her.

4 days and a grand total of 4.5 hours sleep over those four days, and I’ve learned much more than I could have dreamed. As an avid writer, my appreciation for this weekend is unparalleled. To be able to spend so much time with, and gain so much knowledge from, someone that I’ve long admired has been an incredible experience. Among the other guests this year were the Great Luke Ski, Eric Flint, Jane Yolen, David Mattingly, Liana K., Robert J. Sawyer and Jennifer C. Wilkes. All of whom were amazing. We were lucky enough to have Luke Ski close off the con with a stellar performance of Fanboy.

Despite the fact that I was at the con all day as well as working my normal night job, I had an amazing time and it will take something very spectacular to top this weekend. Even if I was over-caffeinated, sleep deprived and far too stimulated.