Ok, so some may call me a little crazy, or possibly a hopeless romantic. There was someone that I cared a lot about, some may argue that at 16 you can’t love, but damn it, I loved him. There were circumstances that lead up to me not being able to have children and it left me with a lot to think about, so needing time to reflect on what my plans would be, my sweetie and I broke up.
I’ve regretted that moved since the day I did it, but he started dating and that was that. We still kept in touch and talked a lot, still being really close friends. We’d talk shop (we’re both car fanatics) and reminisce. I’d since moved out of the province, but last summer I came back to visit. We ended up hooking up for a beer and that’s where everything took a turn for the crazy. We went for a walk up to a pedestrian over-pass over train tracks that we used to frequent when we were younger. It all started with a story-book kiss in the rain at a place we found took us back to the past. It continued to making love in my hotel room. We were both attached to someone, so the after-sex guilt was expected.
We both felt horribly bad, so he gave me a kiss and left. I sat on the patio crying in the rain for a couple of hours as I felt the heartbreak all over again. It’s only when he’s around that I get like that. When my current significant other and I have a falling out, I don’t get like that. It’s like my former sweetie holds my heart and he’s the only one that can evoke these deep emotions.
When I returned home, I thought it was only fair to confess that I still had feelings for him. So then came the emotional email. He keep his cool and said that he wasn’t going to rule anything out in the future, but he’d been with his current girlfriend for several years, so we’d just keep it as friends for now.
Well, I just got back into the town I grew up in, and we met up to hang out. He’s had a really nice truck for a couple of years now that I’d heard everything about, but had yet to see. He picked me up with it and we drove out to Stanley Park. We ended up happily driving around and getting completely lost for about 3 hours. We finally got back to an area we knew and decided to go to our old sushi place for dinner. Always the perfect gentleman, he paid for dinner and we laughed about old times, talked about current problems, and discussed recent revelations we’d both had.
I don’t know what to do. I value him as a friend, but I love him endlessly so keeping it as just friends hurts like nothing I’ve ever encountered. All I could think about while we drove around completely unaware that we were hopelessly lost was how badly I wanted to feel his arms around me. All I could think about during dinner was how lucky his girlfriend truly was. I’m lost as to what to do. My heart is telling me to go after everything I want, to fight until the end for it, but my common sense is telling me to be happy for him and not to damage a perfectly good thing.
It’s passion deranged in every sense of the phrase. Our relationship is beyond complicated, and it just makes me want to cry.
